A Psychologist's Wishes for Her Daughter's First Camp Summer

Guest blog post by Dr. Tracy Brenner, Maine Camp alumna camper/counselor, and camp parent

My daughter is getting ready for her first summer at sleepaway camp. Like most parents, I share similar goals: I want her to have fun; make friends; discover new things she likes to do; become more independent and gain confidence. However, one thing that I am not saying – but often hear from other parents – is “I just want her to be happy.”

No, I’m not a sadistic parent who is rooting for her misery. It’s just that I know that neither at camp, nor anywhere in her life, will she be shielded from uncomfortable feelings like sadness, frustration, jealousy or anger. While those feelings may be uncomfortable, they are normal. But from what I see in my practice and in conversations with camp parents, “I just want my child to be happy” is code for “I can’t tolerate seeing my child in distress or experiencing disappointment.” When we, as parents, expect only happiness, and see normal emotional struggle as a problem, we set ourselves and our child up for a summer filled with angst and disappointment.

The first step in helping both you and your child have a successful summer is accepting that over the course of any camp stint, whether that’s seven weeks, three or just one, your child will experience a full range of feelings including joy, happiness, excitement and also sadness, disappointment, and worry. We can rejoice in those joyful moments and accept, validate and give and seek support for the hard ones.

For many parents, though, it’s triggering to hear that your child is sad, angry, frustrated or disappointed at camp. And often, when parents hear that their child is sitting with an uncomfortable feeling, they attempt to “fix” it and rescue them, rather than respond with validation and support. Feelings do not require action in response. Feelings require empathy, compassion and care. When we try to “fix” and wipe away negative emotions or clear obstacles from our child’s path, we undermine their capacity to build resilience, or the ability to overcome challenges. We teach our children that those normal feelings and experiences are bad and wrong rather than inherent parts of life that they can overcome and from which they can grow stronger.

I also believe that for some parents, the urge to “fix” is amplified by the “awayness” of sleepaway camp. It’s one thing when your child comes home from school and says she had a bad day, but an hour later, you can see that she has recovered. It’s another to get a letter, sent days ago, saying that she had a bad day, and not be able to see that she has moved on. Yet as hard as it is to resist swooping in and trying to rescue her from this distress (i.e. calling the director and asking them to change a situation) it is not good for your child and not good for you. Fixing teaches our children that feelings are problems as opposed to valid emotional reactions to challenging situations. Fixing makes children feel less competent. When we feel less competent, we worry that we can’t handle things, leading us to feel more anxious. Fixing limits the opportunities for kids to feel proud of struggling through a challenging situation. Fixing hinders growth.

Instead of focusing on the goal of happiness, accept the reality of a camp summer that includes all feelings. Instead of preventing “bad” feelings, embrace letting go. Trust that you have chosen to send your kids away to camp for good reasons and not just because it will be fun. Your child will become more independent, resilient and self-confident not in spite of challenges, but because of them. Although it’s particularly hard in our culture of connectedness, resist the urge for reassurance that your kids are “okay.” You have chosen great camps, with competent directors, filled with staff who are taking great care of your child. Your children are okay even when they are sad, angry, frustrated or worried. Your child can tolerate these feelings and grow from them and so can you.